SOME INTERESTING DIVORCE STATISTICS

66% OF DIVORCE FILINGS ARE INITIATED BY WOMEN...
25% OF ALL DIVORCES ARE OF COUPLES WED 20 YEARS
OR MORE...

THE OVERWHELMING MAJORITY OF DIVORCES ARE EITHER
" FADE AWAY DIVORCES "
OR
" DIVORCE BY CRISIS "

RELATIONSHIP BILL OF RIGHTS

On Independence Day, when we acknowledge the universal rights of citizens of our country, I began to think about, what are the universal rights we have in a relationship? In researching my question, I came upon the following list. These are the rights one has in a relationship:
> The right to be treated with respect
> The right to say no and not feel guilty
> The right to express feelings and not feel guilty
> The right to take time for yourself
> The right to feel safe
> The right to make your own decisions
> The right to change your mind
> The right to ask for what you want
> The right to spend as much time with your family/friends as you want
> The right to make mistakes
> The right to not be pressured into doing stuff you don't feel like doing
> The right to feel good about yourself
> The right to be respected if you want to end your relationship

Do you agree with my list of rights? What would you add?change?delete? If you are in a relationship now, do you uphold, and allow your partner to uphold this list? If you're not in a relationship, did you uphold this list of rights in your last relationship? And if you've never been in a relationship, are you avoiding having to confront this list of rights? Email me at jpwest53life@aol.com with your questions, comments, and observations....

TODAY'S DIVORCE COURT CULTURE

For most people, their first exposure to divorce court most likely lies somewhere between bewilderment, and anxiety. In his book "SPLITTING; HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF WHILE DIVORCING A BORDERLINE OR NARCISSIST", author William Eddy describes some of the significant elements of divorce court in 2011:


> IT'S A HIGHLY ADVERSARIAL CULTURE


> IT'S A NO FAULT DIVORCE CULTURE


> PRESUMPTIONS OF ABUSE WHEN ACCUSED


> PRESUMPTIONS OF FALSE ALLEGATIONS


> FAST DECISIONS SLOW TO CHANGE


> EMOTIONAL PERSUASION IS POWERFUL


> EVALUATORS ARE PRIMARY


> THE BURDEN IS ON YOU





A divorce lawyer, like any good guide, will help you navigate through the divorce process. However, a guide needs to know what your final destination is, they can't decide that for you. Life coaching can help you identify and clarify your goals, which can help you be focused with your lawyer and help you be more strategic as opposed to being more reactive...

PROTECTING YOURSELF IN A DIVORCE

Of all the self help books I've read on divorce, the one that has had the most impact on me, both personally and professionally, has been " SPLITTING: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist " by William A. Eddy (Attorney, Mediator, Social Worker), published by EGGSSHELLS PRESS. I found his book insightful, extremely helpful, and amazingly accurate in it's portrayal of the issues involved in divorcing someone with either a Bordereline or Narcissistic character disorder. The Table of Contents reads:
PART I : PREPARING FOR COURT
1) BLAMERS AND TARGETS: It's all your fault!!
2)TODAY'S DIVORCE COURT CULTURE
3)ALTERNATIVES TO COURT
4)DECIDING TO SETTLE OR FIGHT
5)TAKING AN ASSERTIVE APPROACH
6)PREPARING FOR A COURT BATTLE
PART II : THE COURT PROCESS
7)BRIEF OVERVIEW
8)HIRING AN ATTORNEY
9)WORKING WITH YOUR ATTORNEY
10)GATHERING THE RIGHT EVIDENCE
11)WORKING WITH EXPERTS AND EVALUATORS
12)WHAT TO EXPECT FROM THE OPPOSING ATTORNEY
13)WHAT TO EXPECT AT YOUR HEARING OR TRIAL
PART III : SPECIAL ISSUES
14)HOW FAMILY AND FRIENDS CAN HELP
15)SHOULD AN EXPERT TESTIFY ABOUT BPD OR NPD?
16)WHAT IF YOU ARE LOSING YOUR CASE?
17)IF YOU ARE A BORDERLINE OR NARCISSIST
18)ENFORCING COURT ORDERS
19)MANAGING THE POST-DIVORCE RELATIONSHIP
20)ANDY: A CASE STUDY
21)CONCLUSION
APPENDIX

This is essential reading for anyone either contemplating or actually going through a divorce with someone who suffers from a character disorder. I intend to address some of the more critical issues that are brought up in the book over my next few blog posts...

FORTUNATE STRANGERS

I recently had the opportunity to moderate a group for men going through highly conflictual divorces. They have had to contend with a spouse who seek to constantly blame and who seem unable to compromise. Their spouses seem to relish in filing frivolous, expensive, and time consuming legal court motions. Additionally, these men have had to fend off various accusations of abusive behavior and improper conduct.


The group members impressed me with their concerns for their children, as well as, a desire to move on with their lives... Certainly these men are not without their faults, and shortcomings, however their willingness to discuss and learn from others, renewed a sense of hope (in me) for them..


The whole experience got me thinking about how someone might avoid falling into the "rabbit hole" of the high conflict divorce. I'll share some of my thoughts about this subject over the next few blog postings...

WHEN ART IMITATES REAL LIFE..

" There is no winning, Oliver, there are only degrees of losing " - what Danny Devito's character says to Michael Douglas's character in " War of the Roses "... . That quote is probably the most profound statement regarding modern divorce that I have ever read. Ask anyone who has been through a divorce and they will tell you how easily the divorce process can become out of control, power struggle. And where does the fault lie? With the divorcing couple who are trying to deal with emotions like sadness, loss, anger, and abandonment? With a legal system which more often than not breeds adversarialness or unaccountability? Or with the lawyers who strive to be neutral advocates, but can slip, in trying to help their clients, into being negative advocates?
The recent change to a no fault process in New York State divorce law will hopefully help smooth and streamline the entire process, how much so is an open question at the moment...

WILL DIVORCE INSURANCE FOSTER MORE DIVORCES?

I was talking with a friend about the concept of divorce insurance. She attempted to be objective about the issue, despite the fact that she, herself, was embroiled in a " nasty " and financially draining divorce. She voiced the opinion, which I've heard from several others, that having divorce insurance would make it far too easy for a couple to leave the relationship and not work on improving it.
While I'm not necessarily a big proponent of the concept of divorce insurance ( I believe that the best divorce insurance is a close, compassionate, marriage ), I don't believe that having an insurance policy against divorce gives someone free reign for bad behavior. After all. does having automobile insurance make people drive more recklessly, or having health insurance lead to poorer health choices? I don't think so.
However, if you as a married person, or as a single person, and are considering divorce insurance, You need to ask yourself something. What is my interest telling me? If you are married and thinking this kind of insurance sounds good, you need to take a good look at your marriage and assess what's working well and what's not working so well. Then decide how do you fix what's not working so well. If you're a single person and find the concept of divorce insurance intriguing, you need to decide what are the things that are most important to you in your life and uncover where your priorities are, before getting married.
Getting back to my divorcing friend, while she admits that having divorce insurance would ease the financial burden she's feeling now. The majority of her distress now, and during her marriage, is emotional. She feels the money she would have spent on premiums would have been better spent on individual and couple counseling and life coaching...