SOME INTERESTING DIVORCE STATISTICS

66% OF DIVORCE FILINGS ARE INITIATED BY WOMEN...
25% OF ALL DIVORCES ARE OF COUPLES WED 20 YEARS
OR MORE...

THE OVERWHELMING MAJORITY OF DIVORCES ARE EITHER
" FADE AWAY DIVORCES "
OR
" DIVORCE BY CRISIS "

RELATIONSHIP BILL OF RIGHTS

On Independence Day, when we acknowledge the universal rights of citizens of our country, I began to think about, what are the universal rights we have in a relationship? In researching my question, I came upon the following list. These are the rights one has in a relationship:
> The right to be treated with respect
> The right to say no and not feel guilty
> The right to express feelings and not feel guilty
> The right to take time for yourself
> The right to feel safe
> The right to make your own decisions
> The right to change your mind
> The right to ask for what you want
> The right to spend as much time with your family/friends as you want
> The right to make mistakes
> The right to not be pressured into doing stuff you don't feel like doing
> The right to feel good about yourself
> The right to be respected if you want to end your relationship

Do you agree with my list of rights? What would you add?change?delete? If you are in a relationship now, do you uphold, and allow your partner to uphold this list? If you're not in a relationship, did you uphold this list of rights in your last relationship? And if you've never been in a relationship, are you avoiding having to confront this list of rights? Email me at jpwest53life@aol.com with your questions, comments, and observations....

TODAY'S DIVORCE COURT CULTURE

For most people, their first exposure to divorce court most likely lies somewhere between bewilderment, and anxiety. In his book "SPLITTING; HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF WHILE DIVORCING A BORDERLINE OR NARCISSIST", author William Eddy describes some of the significant elements of divorce court in 2011:


> IT'S A HIGHLY ADVERSARIAL CULTURE


> IT'S A NO FAULT DIVORCE CULTURE


> PRESUMPTIONS OF ABUSE WHEN ACCUSED


> PRESUMPTIONS OF FALSE ALLEGATIONS


> FAST DECISIONS SLOW TO CHANGE


> EMOTIONAL PERSUASION IS POWERFUL


> EVALUATORS ARE PRIMARY


> THE BURDEN IS ON YOU





A divorce lawyer, like any good guide, will help you navigate through the divorce process. However, a guide needs to know what your final destination is, they can't decide that for you. Life coaching can help you identify and clarify your goals, which can help you be focused with your lawyer and help you be more strategic as opposed to being more reactive...

PROTECTING YOURSELF IN A DIVORCE

Of all the self help books I've read on divorce, the one that has had the most impact on me, both personally and professionally, has been " SPLITTING: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist " by William A. Eddy (Attorney, Mediator, Social Worker), published by EGGSSHELLS PRESS. I found his book insightful, extremely helpful, and amazingly accurate in it's portrayal of the issues involved in divorcing someone with either a Bordereline or Narcissistic character disorder. The Table of Contents reads:
PART I : PREPARING FOR COURT
1) BLAMERS AND TARGETS: It's all your fault!!
2)TODAY'S DIVORCE COURT CULTURE
3)ALTERNATIVES TO COURT
4)DECIDING TO SETTLE OR FIGHT
5)TAKING AN ASSERTIVE APPROACH
6)PREPARING FOR A COURT BATTLE
PART II : THE COURT PROCESS
7)BRIEF OVERVIEW
8)HIRING AN ATTORNEY
9)WORKING WITH YOUR ATTORNEY
10)GATHERING THE RIGHT EVIDENCE
11)WORKING WITH EXPERTS AND EVALUATORS
12)WHAT TO EXPECT FROM THE OPPOSING ATTORNEY
13)WHAT TO EXPECT AT YOUR HEARING OR TRIAL
PART III : SPECIAL ISSUES
14)HOW FAMILY AND FRIENDS CAN HELP
15)SHOULD AN EXPERT TESTIFY ABOUT BPD OR NPD?
16)WHAT IF YOU ARE LOSING YOUR CASE?
17)IF YOU ARE A BORDERLINE OR NARCISSIST
18)ENFORCING COURT ORDERS
19)MANAGING THE POST-DIVORCE RELATIONSHIP
20)ANDY: A CASE STUDY
21)CONCLUSION
APPENDIX

This is essential reading for anyone either contemplating or actually going through a divorce with someone who suffers from a character disorder. I intend to address some of the more critical issues that are brought up in the book over my next few blog posts...

FORTUNATE STRANGERS

I recently had the opportunity to moderate a group for men going through highly conflictual divorces. They have had to contend with a spouse who seek to constantly blame and who seem unable to compromise. Their spouses seem to relish in filing frivolous, expensive, and time consuming legal court motions. Additionally, these men have had to fend off various accusations of abusive behavior and improper conduct.


The group members impressed me with their concerns for their children, as well as, a desire to move on with their lives... Certainly these men are not without their faults, and shortcomings, however their willingness to discuss and learn from others, renewed a sense of hope (in me) for them..


The whole experience got me thinking about how someone might avoid falling into the "rabbit hole" of the high conflict divorce. I'll share some of my thoughts about this subject over the next few blog postings...